if i can run in heels then i can drive
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i would one night stand the shit outta him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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