I wanna bring you to show and tell
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
