I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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