i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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