You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
