It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
