That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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