Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
