i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
