Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.