I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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