those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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