its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
