I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
