No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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