my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
