Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No stitches, just platelets and will power
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
