im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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