Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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