I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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