why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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