my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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