I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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