I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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