I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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