Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
