I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
