Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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