he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
