he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is the high leading the old right now
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
