His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
