Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
