Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
