no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
