I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
