Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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