She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
