i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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