First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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