she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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