Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
