I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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