I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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