If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
