I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
