It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
