Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
