I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
