You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
