It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
