I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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