Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
