I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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