I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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