wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
