SEEEEXXX PLEASE
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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